I’ve lived a high-performance, successful life… go bigger, take on more, happy and grateful but never complacent. Through it all, I always felt like something was off, a consistent pit in my stomach, lump in my throat… but I was supposed to be happy.
I had “it all.”
But none of it felt right…
Until I got right with myself.
For a lot of years, I just pushed through… head down, take on more, more, more in an attempt to satiate that pitted feeling. Work was validating… and staying busy kept me distracted from feeling. I kept pushing, never realizing that there was something I was running from.
The calls are coming from inside the house.
Numb it out with work, plans, stuff… but that doesn’t truly fix anything. I was never going to feel better until I worked to heal what was causing the racing thoughts, the physical discomfort, the need to be out, busy, booked, around people, seen… BUT I couldn’t heal until I put down the numbing activities and got to the root cause condition.
Root. Cause. Condition.
Every year when we start our air conditioner unit up, it doesn’t start. We band-aid it. We talk about opening up the walls and ceiling to figure out the cause of the issue. Summer rolls. Life gets busy. Then it’s fall again.
That was my pattern for over a decade: Go to therapy. Talk just surface stuff. Don’t open up. Resist the meds that will help you feel safe enough to start digging into the work. Stay exactly where you are.
I swayed on the sidelines of healing for years. My therapist has been incredibly supportive– never forcing me to go deeper into the healing work but poised and ready for when I was open. My first big step toward healing was hypnotherapy and Reiki with Lisa of Lotus Blossom Journeys. That modality made it safe enough and clear enough for me to unlock repressed memories and dissociated feelings. There’s a book in THAT story… someday.
Reiki. Yoga. Oils. Talk therapy. Dabbling in healing. Until I was willing to acknowledge the dissociating, the perfectionism, and the workaholism and start releasing those patterns– I was stuck.
Dissociating… I never realized I was doing that because… duh. That’s what dissociating does!
Perfectionism… I never identified with that because I’ve always been okay with messy. I thought perfectionists need everything to look clean and orderly all of the time.
Workaholism… I thought this was just how you were supposed to be!
“All I have to offer you is my mistakes and the fact that I lived through them.” -Mike Catherwood
Thank you for going on this healing walk with me. It’s a journey, for sure. And I’m learning to keep going, even if I have to stop and rest on the side of the trail for a bit. This past year has certainly afforded me opportunities to rest, reflect, and let things unfold.
Let’s heal together! Telling our stories is often the first step on a healing journey. If you’re willing to share, I’m willing to listen, always. Email me your story… even just the first line: firstname.lastname@example.org